Kilgore Trout>withheld@request.com writes:

Dear Uncle Pat-In reference to Haley Barbour: isn't Haley a girl's name, could it be that he is a latent homosexual too wimpy to come out? Do you suppose his mother made him wear a dress until he was twelve? Do you think you're the only one with nothing better to do? Truly, Kilgore Trout
My, my Kilgore. You certainly ask a lot of questions; I shall try to answer them one at a time. First, yes. Haley IS (when used as a first name) a girl's name. An example of this would be Haley Mills, who was a very pretty girl. Her older sister Juliet was also a girl, and while she was not quite as pretty as Haley, she made an excellent Nanny, because she had an oustanding set of jugs. This, incidentally, is why Uncle Pat never entered the teaching profession; he could never understand why both the professor on Nanny and the Professor, and the professor on Gilligan's Island never got laid, even with the women hanging all over them (and, in the case of Roy Hinckley, let's face it; he was certainly the pick of the litter on THAT island). When used as a last name, Haley CAN be a boy's name, as was the case with Bill Haley (though Uncle Pat never turned him upside-down to check). When used in conjuction with a comet, Haley can also be a neutral name; while Haley Barbour DOES consist mostly of rock, frozen water, and mysterious gaseous substances, Uncle Pat does not believe he can truly be classified as a comet, for Barbour is not nearly bright enough.

Haley Barbour attempted to be a homosexual in 1973, but was turned down. He was black-balled (but his application was denied for other reasons). Outraged, Barbour reportedly set fire to a DOW Chemicals plastic rendering plant shortly thereafter. Barbour, however, was never charged in the incident.

Barbour's mother forced him to wear Koulats (Uncle Pat is using the Russian spelling for that one) and girl's panties until he was nine. He voluntarily wore a dress until he was fifteen, and continues to wear control-top pantyhose to this day. According to fellow Republican and estranged lover Sonny Bono, Barbour also sits down to pee. Uncle Pat is not about to verify that story for himself.

Well, no, Mr. Trout, it would appear that Uncle Pat is by no means the only one with nothing better to do.

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